不登校に関する書籍は多くありますが、親の接し方については、「優しく接するように」「愛情をきちんと伝えるように」とたいていは書かれています。
・勉強しなさい
・学校に行きなさい
・ゲームをするのをやめなさい
こういったことを言うとよけい不登校が悪化するので、言わない方がいいと書かれています。
ゆーくろっくでも、基本的にはそのような接し方をアドバイスしています。
一方で、優しく接するだけで本当に大丈夫なのかという質問をよく頂くので、今日はそれにお答えしたいと思います。
不登校の子どもに優しくすることへの不安とは
学校に行っていない子どもに優しくすることに不安を抱く気持ちはよくわかります。
「甘やかすだけでは、いつまでも甘えてしまうだけなのでは」
「優しくするだけでは、何も変わらないのでは」
子どものことを真剣に考えるほど、そう考えてしまう時があると思います。
しかし、ほとんどの場合は、親が子どもに優しく接し続ける方が改善します。
不登校の自分にストレスを感じていないなら厳しく接するべき
優しく接することが良くないのは、本人が不登校という現状に対してまったくストレスを感じていない時だけです。
不登校の現状にストレスを感じているというのは、次のような状態です。
なぜか体調が悪くて部屋にこもっている、転校や退学をすすめると拒否する、学校に行くとは言う日もあるけど結局無理・・・このような「学校に行くべきだとは思っているものの、心や体が思うようにならずに行けない」という状態なら、優しく接するべきです。
実際、親御さんから相談を受けて、「お子さんが本当に学校に行かなくていいと思っているのか、行くべきあるいは行きたいと自分でも思っているものの行けないのか、どちらですか？」と聞くと、ほとんどの方が後者だと答えます。
学校に行けなくても、開き直って何の不安やストレスも感じずに楽しく過ごしている子どもは、親に甘え続けるので厳しくすべきです。
そうでないのならば、子どもが愛情を感じられるように優しく接するべきです。
子どもはずっと甘え続けるわけではない
なぜ、不登校でも優しく接した方が良いかというと、子どもは基本的には親に甘え続けるわけではないからです。
幼児の例を使って説明します。お子さんが小さかった時のことを思い出してください。
0才～3才ぐらいの子どもは、「ママ抱っこして」と甘えて抱きついてきます。
甘えん坊の子どもだと頻繁に抱っこを求めてくるので、抱き癖がつくんじゃないかと不安になる事もあります。
でも、抱っこしてあげると、何時間もママにしがみつきっぱなしでしたか？
普通はある程度の時間抱っこしてあげると、子ども自ら降りて、その後自分のやりたい事をしたり行きたいところに行きます。
心理学の世界では、こういった十分に愛情を受けると自ら行動していく事を、「愛着関係と探索行動」といいます。
大きくなるにつれて、子どもは親を探索のための安全基地として使い始めます。
一方で、不安、恐れ、病気、疲労などがある場合には親の愛情を強く求めます。赤ちゃんが体調の悪い時や不機嫌な時に、母親の抱っこしか受けつけないのはこのような理由からです。
以上のことから、子ども自身が心のどこかでは学校に行くべきだと思っているのに行けない場合は、親が優しく接して愛情を十分に与えることが、不登校の改善につながるのです。
最後に
一人で悩んでいると、どうしてもイライラしたりして、子どもに愛情をもって優しくすることができないことがあります。
不登校の時に子どもに優しく接するためのコツ、子どもに愛情を伝えるためのコツは以下の記事に書いてあるので、ぜひ読んでみてください。お悩みの際は、いつでもゆーくろっくにご相談ください。
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