今日は、不登校の子どもの気持ちがどうすれば楽になるかを説明したいと思います。
少し個人的な話になりますが。私は、社会人一年目は、人材系の会社で求人広告の営業をしていました。
新人全員で企業に電話をかけてアポイントをとる営業の日々でしたが、同期の中には、毎日300件電話するものもいれば80件しか電話できない者もいました。電話営業をしていると、すぐに切られたり相手に説教をされたり、嫌なことがたくさんあります。そうしたことへの対応を考えながら電話をしたり、恐怖心と疲労で電話をかけるペースが鈍ることで、成果に差が出るのです。
「自分はこんなにがんばっているのに、あいつらは・・・」とさげすむ人もいれば、「嫌なことも言われるし、新規の電話営業するのはしんどいよなあ」と声をかける人もいるのです。
子どもが不登校になると、これと全く同じことが家庭内で起こります。
不登校の気持ちが分からない親と子どものすれ違い
父親は、不登校の気持ちを理解しづらい
不登校生本人と父親の間では、以下のようなことがよく起こります。
本人が「学校に行こうとしても体が言うことをきかない」と悩んでいるのに対して、父親は「自分は毎日通勤している」「嫌なことがあっても仕事を続けている」という自負もあって、子どもの気持ちをわかってあげるどころか、不登校を受け入れることもできなくなります。
母親は、不登校の気持ちを理解できてもイライラする
母親は、父親ほど子どもをさげすむことはないのですが、家で一緒にいる時間が父親より長いので別のストレスが発生します。
それは、家で子どもが寝ていたりゲームをしている姿を見て、「なんで怠けているのか」、「どこも悪くないのになぜ学校に行かないのか」と、ついイライラするということです。1日や2日なら気にならないのですが、毎日子どもがだらだらしているように見えると、心配、不安、いら立ちが募っていくのです。
そして不登校生はふさぎこむ
一方で、子どもは、何らかのストレスを抱えたり親には言えないことが学校であったから、学校に行けないのです。
学校に行くべきだとわかっていても行けないという状況なので、親のいら立ちをうけて、「だれも自分のことをわかってくれない」「なんで真剣に悩んでいるのに理解してくれないのか」と、ふさぎ込んでいくようになります。
どうしたら不登校の子どもの気持ちに共感できるのか
共感とはそもそもどういう意味なのか
これまでのお話からわかる通り、”まじめにがんばっている人”が、”不マジメにやっているように見える人”に対して共感するのは、とても難しいものです。しかし、冒頭の私の社会人1年目のときの話に戻ると、がんばっている人の中にも、「嫌なこと言われるし、新規の電話営業するのはしんどいよなあ」と成果があがらないメンバーに共感して声をかけている人もいました。
つまり共感とは、「同じ人間として共通点を見出し、近い感情もって接すること」を意味するのです。だからこそ、人はつらい時に相手がまったく同じ境遇ではなくても、共感してくれると孤独感がやわらぎ、心が楽になるのです。
不登校生の親に対する本当の気持ち
「自分も仕事をしたくない時があるんだ」
「会社を辞めたいと思うことがよくあるよ」
「わかっていてもできないことってあるよね」
このように、不登校生は親に対して、同じ境遇ではなくても共通点を見出して気持ちに共感してほしいのではないかと、私は思います。「自分だって仕事をしたくないと思ったことはある。でも自分は休んでいない」と、違いの方ばかりを強調するのではなく、同じ点が見つかればその一点で、子どもに共感してあげてください。
不登校生の孤独な気持ち
お仕事、家事、子育てをされている親御さまは、本当にすばらしいと思います。苦労もきっと多いでしょう。でも、きっとそんな親御さまのことは誰かが認めてくれるはずです
しかし、不登校生は誰からも認めてもらえません。「誰も認めてくれない」というその気持ちに、少しでも目を向けてあげてください。
不登校生がだらだらする理由
不登校生の弁護を少しだけすると、昼まで寝ていたりネットやゲームに依存することは、さほど気にする必要はないと思いません。なぜなら、これらはあくまで不登校に付随する二次症状であり、不登校の背景にある精神的な部分が回復すれば自然と減っていくからです。
好きなことを見つけて熱中していたり、進みたい進路が見つかって勉強する人もいますが、それは回復段階に進んでいるからです。その前の段階の不登校生は、勉強する気はおきず、他にすることもないので、どうしても昼まで寝たりネットやゲームに依存するものです。
逆にそういった時期を経ずに回復している例は、ほとんど見たことがありません。
最後に
大人だって、嫌なことがある中で日々一生懸命に生きています。
気持ちに余裕がない時や、相手に共感する心のゆとりがない時の方が、多いくらいです。
だから、親は、何度も自分に問いかけないといけないんです。
「自分は、この子を”学校に行っている”という条件つきでなければ愛せないのか」
「家事や育児や仕事で、状況は違っても今の子どもと同じような気持ちになったことはなかったのか」
そうやって何度も自分に問いかけることで、少しずつ不登校の子どもに共感できるようになるのです。
不登校支援機関 特集
不登校の子どもが抱えている問題は多種多様で、非常に複雑です。そのため、親御さまだけで解決できない場合もあります。その場合、不登校の専門家による支援が効果的です。しかし、不登校の支援機関が見つからない、信用できる機関なのかわからないなどの理由で、専門家の力を活用できていない親御さまも多いのではないでしょうか。そんなお悩みを解決するために、不登校支援を行っている機関を取材し、それぞれの特徴をこのブログにまとめました。子どもの悩みを解消し、自分らしい生き方を送るために、経験と知識を併せ持つ専門家は大きな力になるでしょう。
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