不登校になると友だちができなくなる・・・そんな風に一般的には思われがちですが、実際に不登校生の支援をしていると、不思議なことに不登校でも友だちができやすい子もいれば、友だちができにくい子もいます。
ゆーくろっくでは、訪問支援だけでなく不登校生向けの交流イベントも行っているのですが、同じ不登校生でもなぜか人気者になってしまう子どもがいるのです。
そして、その人気は不登校から前に進む道の中で大きな影響力を発揮します。
人気者の子は、友だちが迎えに来てくれて学校に少しずつ行けるようになったり、学校に行けなくてもネット上での人との交流の中で自分のやりたい事を見つけたりしていくのです。
私は、不登校になったからといって子どもの人生が悪くなるとは思いません。
ただ、不登校になっても友だちに恵まれるかどうかはとても重要だと思うので、子どもが友だちに恵まれるために大事な親の接し方については、みなさんに知ってほしいと思います。
性格に難があるかどうかは関係ない
人気の不登校生とそうでない不登校生。
その違いを見てみると、学力、家柄ではありません。そして親の経済力も関係ありません。
それはなぜなのか。 － ゆーくろっくの生徒のJ君の例で説明したいと思います。
J君は、相手の話はすぐに遮り、大声で自分の話ばかりしています。みんなで話しあって何かを決めようとする時も、自分の話は止まりません。しかし、J君は不思議とみんなに受け入れられていて、彼なりの役割を担っています。
J君をみていて分かることは、人の邪魔はするけど、傷つけることはしないということです。
人の意見を決して否定しないし、むしろ「それいいね」といつも肯定的。誰かをイジることもなく、人や物事を比較したりもしません。人の評価を下げたり気持ちを傷つけてしまうことが一切ないのです。
正直ウザいけれども、愛嬌があって、なんか応援したくなってくるのです。
逆に、言動がすごくまともなのに決して人気者にはならない子もいます。
大事なのは親に無条件に愛されているかどうか
聞いてみると、J君は、とにかく両親から無条件に愛されて育ったようです。お母さんはいつも、「足が遅くても、勉強ができなくても、家族はそのままのあなたが好き」と言っていたようです。
「◯◯ができるから好き、◯◯だからすばらしい」という条件付きの評価や肯定ではなく、「なにもなくても、なにもできなくても、そのままでもいい」という条件なしの肯定と愛情をちゃんと受けとってきた人は、自分のことを無条件に肯定できるようになり、高い”自己肯定感”を持つことができるようになると言われています。
つまり、親の無条件の愛情によって自分を無条件に肯定できる人は、自分と他人をやたら比較したり、攻撃しないということです。
そして、一つのコミュニティになじめなくても、自分を受けいれてもらえるコミュニティを別に見つけることができるのだと思います。
親の無条件の愛情と友だちからの人気は比例する
学校での成績や習い事の成果が優秀だったとしても、「また100点、あなたはずごい」「一等賞で、誇らしい」といって結果ばかりを評価されていると、自分は「優秀という条件付き」だから価値があると思うようになってしまい、自己肯定感を持ちにくいように感じます。
もちろん、その家族に愛情がなかったわけではないのでしょう。
でも、どうしても成績優秀だとその結果ばかりを評価してしまいがちです。
そうやって「条件付き」で育つと、一見順調な学校生活を歩んでいても無条件に自分を肯定できず、自分の存在意義や立ち位置を守ることに必死になり、ひどく妬んだり、時には傷つけたりしてしまう人が多いようです。
こうなると、ピンチの時や何かチャレンジしようとする時に、支えてくれる友だちがいつまでもできなくなります。
親の無条件の愛情と友だちからの人気は比例するのです。
最後に
テストの点が悪くても子どもに愛情をちゃんと伝えていますか？
子どもが不登校になっても子どもを肯定していますか？
無条件の親の愛情が、子どもの友人関係に大きく影響することを忘れないでください。
あなたが無条件に子どもを肯定できたら、いつかきっとお子さまに素敵な友だちができるはずです。
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