子どもが不登校になった時、親御さんは、子どものサポートのためにいろんな知識や情報を収集されます。
インターネットや本で知識を得たり、心療内科の先生やカウンセラーからアドバイスを得たりします。
そうした努力はすばらしいですし、そこで得られたノウハウやアドバイスには有効なものもあると思います。
ただ、たくさんの不登校生と親御さんを支援する中で、我々は、「どんなに良いノウハウやアドバイスも、以下の二つの条件を満たしていないと効果がでない」と考えています。
不登校の子ども本人が納得できるプロセスとペースで
人には自己肯定感（自分への自信）に対する欲求があり、自信が持てるように自分を変えていきたいという想いがあります。
ただ、これには「自分を変えていきたいが、人には変えられたくない」という注釈がつきます。
人間は誰もが、作り物の自分ではなく、本物の自分を探しています。こう表現するとおおげさに聞こえますが、たとえ、まわりがすすめてくれたことでも、自分の気持ちをごまかしてまでやりたくないというのは、誰もが持つ感情です。
自分の意思に反する形、納得できない形に変えられることは、むしろ自己肯定感を下げてしまうのです。
だから、本人が納得できるプロセスを自分に合ったペースで歩んでいくことが、不登校からの回復においては必要であり、親はつい先を急がずに、控えめな対応に徹しつつ本人が納得しているかを注意することが重要なのです
不登校生の親も納得できる対応で
では、親御さんはどうでしょうか。
インターネットや本から得た「知識」や、診療内科の先生やカウンセラーから得たアドバイスに納得できなくても、自分の気持ちをごまかしたままわが子に対応してうまくいくでしょうか。自分に嘘をついてうまくいくでしょうか。
頭では理解できても心から納得できなければ、「わかってはいるんだけど・・・」となかなか実行できません。
実行できたとしても、子どもになかなか変化がみられなければ、「いつまでこの対応を続けないといけないのか」という気持ちがでてきて、逆に子どもにさらにイライラしてしまったり、対応が長続きしないということが起きます。
不登校の子どもは少しの変化が現れるのにも1ヶ月以上要することが多いので、往々にして上記のような事態になりがちです。
知識やアドバイスは、実際に実践して、「本人とうまく話せるようになった」というような”実感”や、「日常的に自然にできるんだ」という”気づき”が得られてこそ納得でき、ご自身に合った対応方法となります。
だから、まずは知識やアドバイスを得たら試してみてください。そこで、「自然にできるから楽そうだ」というものと「続ければ効果が出そうかも」と感じたものだけ納得して続ければよく、そうでないものはやめてしまってよいのです。
そうした模索を続けながら子どもと日々つきあうことで、自分たち親子に合った対応がつかめてくるはずです。
最後に
人間何をするにも”納得”が必要ですし、不登校からの回復においては特に必要です。
100%納得できるというのはなかなかないものですが、本人がある程度納得できる対応、親の自分がある程度納得できる対応を探すことを大事にし、そうでないものはやめてしまうということを心掛けてみてください。
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