「不登校になったわが子と一度きちんと話し合いたい。」
それは親として当然の気持ちです。
「なぜ学校へ行けないのか。」
「今どんな想いでいるのか。」
「これからどうしたいと考えているのか。」
聞きたい事は山ほどあるでしょうし、親としての想いも伝えたいでしょう。
不登校になった子どもが話し合いを望まない
ゆーくろっくで支援させて頂いているCさんも、そんな親御さんのひとりです。
息子さんは高校入学後すぐに不登校になり、6月には退学しました。
それ以来1年、今も生活リズムは乱れがちで、ゲーム・パソコン・スマホ漬けの日々を送っています。
Cさんは、親として焦りの時期はとうに過ぎているそうですが、息子さんに笑顔も気力もないため心配していました。
Cさんの想いは、息子さんの想いを知り、守りたいということ。そのために話をしたいということです。
しかし、息子さんはとにかくしゃべりません。
幼いころの話をして心をほぐそうとしても、いやそうな顔をして席を外してしまうそうです。
不登校の段階と時期によっては、話さない方がいい
Cさんの話から感じたのは、息子さんは「話し合い」を望んでおらず、それに耐えうる状態ではないということです。
幼いころの話をするのも、本人の話がいやがるなら今はやめたほうがいいでしょう。
不登校になった子どもに、その子が生まれてきて今までどんなに楽しかったかを聴かせてあげるのは、本来はとてもいいことです。子どもが「自分は愛されて育ってきた」と実感し、自信につながるため、私がいつも相談者の方たちにお勧めしていることの一つです。
しかし、Cさんの息子さんのように親の言葉を一切受け入れられない状態なら、無理にする必要はありません。
息子さんの拒否反応は、今はその時期ではないということを意味しています。
自信喪失が深い時は、どんな話にも危険を感じる
お子さんがあなたの話を一切嫌がるのは、なぜだと思いますか？
一度胸に手を当てて、考えてください。
Cさんの息子さんが、親の話を全て嫌がったのは、どんな話も結局は今の自分への否定や説教につながるのではないかと感じていたからでした。
「昔の楽しい思い出話をされると、今は自分のせいで楽しくないのだと言われているような気持になる。」
「これまでの話をされると、今後はどうするんだという話題につながるような気がする。」
不登校による自信喪失が深い場合は、このような精神状態に陥る事もあるのです。
ただ、感情を拾っていく
そんな時は、まず親がただ話を聴く必要があります。
否定せず、意見せず、評価もしない。ただ、大きくうなずき、同意と共感を示しながら子どもの話を聴くのです。
質問は一切してはいけません。ただ、話すことだけを一生懸命に聞くのです。
つらい、さみしい、悲しい、不安、悔しさ・・・子どもの感情を拾うことだけに集中してください。
賢い親御さんほど、子どもの考えを知りたがるのですが、気持ちを聴くこと以外一切を自粛するようにしてください。
最後に
子どもは、親が自分にどうしてほしいかを全部わかっています。
あなたの考えや気持ちを全部わかっています。
それに応えられないから、あなたと話すのを嫌がるのです。
話し合おうという気持ちは捨て、「ただお子さんの話を聴いて同調する」という気持ちで接してください。
自分の話を聴いてくれる。自分の気持ちをわかってくれる。
子どもがそう感じた時、何も言わなくてもあなたの想いはきっと伝わっています。
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