不登校の子どもに対する親の対応で必要なのは、子どもを肯定してあげることだとよく言われます。
親による無条件の肯定が子どもに安心感を与え、自分に自信を持てるようになることにつながるのは事実ですから、不登校生のサポートにおいて、それはとても大切なことです。
しかし、不登校の子どもを肯定しようとする時、多くの親御さんは落とし穴に陥り、むしろ逆効果になっています。
普通の子ども以上に、不登校の子どもに対して肯定的な気持ちを伝えるためには、注意が必要なのです。
不登校生の自己否定は、周囲の肯定的な言葉だけでは解決しにくい
不登校の子どもは、普通の子どもの何倍も、「学校に行けない自分」に対して否定的な感情を抱いています。
「悪いことをしている」
「ダメ人間」
「何をやってもムダ」
「どうせ自分は〇〇だから」
このような子どもへの対応として、「そのままでいいんだよ」「そんなことないんだよ」「大丈夫だよ」「考えすぎだよ」などと励まし、周囲が本人を肯定しようというのは、よく言われる対応です。
もちろん、それで自己肯定感を取り戻して立ち直る子どももいますが、往々にして不登校生は、周囲の言葉を素直に受け取ることができないものなのです。
極度の自己否定に対しては、周囲の肯定も否定になる
なぜ、周囲の肯定的な言葉を素直に受け取らないかというと、そういった言葉は一言でまとめると「自己否定するな」ということであり、「本人の自己否定感を否定する」というある種の否定行為だからです。
自己否定状態が強くなると、人は”卑屈”になってしまいます。
本人たちは、自分のことをまじめに考えて言っているので、卑屈になっている状態の中でそれを否定されると、「まじめに考えているのにちゃんと聞いてくれない」とか「どうせ私の気持ちなんてお母さんにはわからない」という風に感じてしまうのです。
このような落ち込んで卑屈になってしまった時の人間心理は、大人にも起こりうるものなので、ご理解いただけるはずです。
肯定的な気持ちは態度で伝えることが一番大事
肯定的な言葉が伝わらない時は言い続けないほうがいいとなると、どう対応すべきなのでしょうか。
気のきいたことが言えないのは、親として心苦しいものです。
私は、「そんなときは言葉ではなく態度で伝えてください」とアドバイスしています。
「明るく笑顔で接する」
「お手伝いをお願いして頼りにする」
「感謝の気持ちをこまめに伝える」
「何か楽しいことに誘う」
「小さな変化や成長に気づき、ほめる」
こういったことが、肯定的な態度の定番です。そして、何より大事なのは、肯定的なオーラです。
相手が自分を肯定的に思っているというのは、うまく言葉では説明できなくても確かに感じるものであり、心から相手を肯定的に思っていると、肯定的なオーラがにじみでるものだと思います。
ちょっと卑屈になってしまっているなと思ったら、「そうかなあ」「なんともいえないなあ」というような返答をし、明確な言葉はその場では避け、その後に態度で肯定してあげてください。
卑屈になっている時でも好意的な言葉は伝わる
自分に対してすごく否定的になり、周囲が何を言ってもダメな時でも好意的な言葉は比較的伝わるものです。
「私は〇〇のそういうとこ好きだよ」
「私は〇〇のことうらやましいと思ってるよ」
というような言葉が、”好意的な言葉”です。
なぜ効果的かというと、好意とは相手の感情であり、好きだと言われれば否定のしようがないからです。
「ガリガリ」はスレンダーやすらっとしているとも言えますし、「デブ」は安心感があるとか愛くるしいとも言えます。
「自分勝手」は意思が強いとも言えますし、「何事も続かない」のはフットワークが軽いとか興味の幅が広いとも言えます。
「顔が暗い」というのも、落ち着いているとか雰囲気があると言えるはずです。
物事をどう認識し、好きと思うか嫌いと思うかは人の自由です。
あなたの好意をいっぱい伝えてあげてください。
最後に
「先生はほめてたよ」とか「●●さんはこう言ってたよ」などといった、その場にいない人からの肯定的な評価や良い評判を伝えてあげることも有効です。
第三者の評価や評判は、落ち込んでいる自分を励まそうとするものではないため、素直に受け取ることができるのです。
不登校の子どもが自分に対して否定的なことを言っているときは、ほかの人たちからの良い評判、自分の好意をまず伝え、その後は日々態度で肯定的な気持ちを伝えてあげてください。
それが、不登校の子どもの自己肯定感を取り戻す近道です。
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