お子さんが思春期になると、親には子どものことが見えづらくなってきます。
男の子は特に、家での口数が減る場合が多いです。勉強もあまりしていないし、良くない友だちと付き合っているようだし・・・そのような状況になると往々にして親子でのぶつかり合いが始まります。
「勉強はちゃんとしているの？」
「こんな点数でいったい高校はどうするつもりなの！」
「悪い子たちと付き合うのはやめなさい！」
ついガミガミ言ってしまう親に、お子さんも暴言を吐きます。
「なんで自分なんかを産んだんだ！」
「こんな家に生まれてこなければよかった！」
「（親に向かって）死ね！」
そんな言葉に滅入ってしまうことがたくさんあると思います。
ゆーくろっくに相談にきたMさんも、そんなお母さんの一人でした。
成績がどんどん下がり、素行が悪くなっていく
Mさんから相談を受けたとき、息子さんは中２で不登校になって２ヶ月目でした。
最初は成績も良かったそうですが、中学２年にあがってからクラスメイトになった素行の悪いグループと付き合うようになり、学校帰りの寄り道や喫煙で学校に呼び出されることが増え、不登校になりました。
さんざん咎めるMさんに、息子さんはこう言いました。
「もうどうなってもいい！こんな家に生まれてこなければよかった！！」
それ以来、Mさんも息子さんのそんな言葉をもう一度聞くのが怖くなって、学校のことを一切話題にできなくなりました。
どうして反抗するのか？
Mさんの息子さんはなぜ反抗したのでしょうか？
反抗したら楽しかったのでしょうか？嬉しかったのでしょうか？
そんなはずはありませんよね。思春期の子どもの心の中を想像すれば、その理由は自ずと見えてきます。
■思春期の子どもの心の中
思春期というのは、子どもの心が不安定になる時期です。
「一生懸命練習しても部活のレギュラーになれない」
「自分より勉強していないのに成績の良い友だちがいる」
「好きな異性に振り向いてもらえない」
「自分には特別な才能もないのに、進路や将来やりたいことを考えさせられる」
世の中は平等ではないこと、現実は厳しいこと、ずっと子どもじゃいられないということが実感をもって理解していきます。
つまり、思春期とは、プライドが高い一方で自分に自信が持てないという、とても不安を抱える時期なのです。
■親の期待に応えられないから反抗する
Mさんの息子さんも同じでした。
一人だと不安だから存在感の大きいグループに同調し、勉強しても成績は思うように上がらないからつい逃げてしまう。
子どもはいつだって、親の期待に応えて親に喜んでほしい、ほめてもらいたいと思っています。
でも、子どもの能力・子どもなりの事情・現実の厳しさから、それができない時があります。
親に怒られたり否定されたりするのは、ほかの人にそうされるよりも何倍も心が傷つきます。
だから反抗するんです。
親を遠ざけて、自分を隠して、親から残念な自分が見えないようにするために。
親も傷つくのがこわい。でも、それではいけない
■親に避けられると子どもはどう思うか？
とはいえ、子どもに暴言を言われるのはつらいものです。
大人だって人間です。誰だって傷つけられるのは怖いですし、相手が我が子ならなおさらです。
Mさんも、傷つきたくなくてつい息子さんを避けるようになっていきました。
でも、親に避けられてMさんの息子さんはどう思ったのでしょうか？
まず第一声は、「ごちゃごちゃ言われなくなって、気が楽になった」でした。
ただ、「がんばっている部分はできれば認めてほしい」とも言っていました。
■大事なことは子どものがんばりをちゃんとほめること
この一言をMさんに伝えると、はっとした顔をしていらっしゃいました。
親なら誰しも心当たりがある部分だと思います。
表面的な事実を見て子どもを判断してはいけません。
「テストの結果だけを見て子どもを評価してはいけません」
「ほかの子と比較して子どもを見てはいけません」
「大事なのは子ども自身のプロセスやがんばりです」
たとえ学校に途中までしか行けなくても、昨日よりも学校に近づけたらそれは大きな成長です。
前回よりもテストの点数が下がったとしても、前回よりもテスト勉強に時間を注いでいたら、それは立派な努力です。
表面的な結果だけに目を背けず、その下に隠れている息子さんのがんばったプロセスをほめてあげてください。
最後に
それからMさんは、息子さんのがんばっている部分に目を向け、少しずつ優しい言葉を増やすように心がけました。
息子さんは勉強をその後も苦手にしていましたが、不良グループとの関わりはなくなり、家族の会話も少しずつ増えて行きました。
受験期には勉強もがんばって、なんとか地元の公立高校に進学しました。
子どもは、結果の重要性も、現実の厳しさも、ちゃんと学校生活や日常生活の中で感じています。
一方で、努力はいきなり結果に結びつくわけでもありません。また確実に成果につながるわけでもありません。
気持ちが腐る時もあれば、落ち込むとき、頑張れない時は、誰にも訪れます。
大事なことは成長し続けるエネルギーであり、努力し続けるモチベーションです。
それを最もたくさん与えられるのは、親であるあなた自身だと忘れないでください。
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