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不登校の子どもの不良との付き合いをなくす方法

子どもは大きくなるにつれて親のコントロールから離れ、自分の意思で行動するようになります。交友関係もその一つです。

ゆーくろっくの利用者からも、「子どもが不登校になると同時に、不良との付き合いをはじめるようになった」、「不良との付き合いが増えていくにつれて、乱暴な性格になり、勉強もしなくなった」という相談を多く受けます。そんな時、親としては不良との付き合いで子どもが悪影響を受けてしまい、不登校も改善しないと思ってしまいます。実際そういう面もあるでしょう。しかし、そういう場合にも、親は決して子どもの前で不良との付き合いを非難したり、直接的にやめさせようとしてはいけません。

不登校の子どもに不良との付き合いを叱るのは逆効果

部活動でのトラブルが原因で不登校に

中3の娘さんの不登校に悩むTさんの例をご紹介したいと思います。

Tさんの娘さんは、女子バスケットボール部の副キャプテンとしてがんばる女の子でした。しかし6月のある朝に「学校に行きたくない」と突然泣き出し、それ以降不登校になりました。原因は、幹部としての役割を果たしていないと後輩から非難され、その時に同学年がかばってくれなかったことにありました。そして、人間不信によって不登校になりました。

不登校になって不良との付き合いがはじまる

まったく学校に行かないわけではないのですが、気が向いた時に登校するという状態になり、受験勉強はもちろんのこと、一切勉強しないようになりました。そして、いつの間にかつき合う友だちが変わっていて、ゲームセンターで知り合ったよその中学の警察沙汰になるような不良との付き合いが多くなっていきました。

金髪にして眉をそり、ピアスの穴をあけ、タバコを吸い、夜遊びや無断外泊もするようになっていきました。


母「不良との付き合いはやめなさい!」

娘「友だちを悪く言うな!」

母「行動に気をつけてほしいと言っているのよ!」


そんなやりとりの毎日が続き、Tさんの気持ちは娘さんに伝わらず、ゆーくろっくに相談にいらっしゃいました。

どうすれば不登校の子どもの不良との付き合いがなくなるのか

不登校の子どもは不良との付き合いに居場所を求めている

厳しい言い方ですが、この状況では、不良の友だちはTさんの代わりに娘さんの心を慰めてくれているのです。もちろん彼らにそんなつもりはないでしょう。でも、娘さんは少なくともそう感じているはずです。

人が一番つらいのは、孤独です。人は常に自分を受け入れてくれる場所、必要とされる場所を求めています。

娘さんにとっては、その不良との付き合いが唯一の居場所なのです。娘さんにとって今一番必要なのは「自分の話を真剣に聴いて共感してくれる人」なのです。いくら親でも居場所を奪われたら、子どもの心は離れていきます。ここで親が子どもに意見を言い、気持ちを伝え、改心させようとする行為など何ももたらさないのです。

もっといい居場所ができれば、不登校の子どもは不良との付き合いをやめる

不良との付き合いをやめてほしい時に親がすべきことは、子どもにとってもっと居心地のいい居場所をつくることです。

筋金入りの不良ならともかく、普通の子どもであれば、不良と一緒に過ごしているのが無為に感じられる瞬間が必ずあるのです。そういった時に、本当に居心地の良い居場所が別にあれば、次第にそちらに心が動き、不良との付き合いから自然に離れていきます。

まずは家や家族との関わりが子どもにとっての居場所になるようにしていきましょう。

大事なことは、相手のありのままを受け入れ、話を聴くことです。意見せず、否定せず、批判せず、ただひたすら子どもの話を聴く。子どもの話に共感し、励ますこと。それが、お子さんが「愛されている」「必要とされている」と思えるようになる方法です。時間がかかる場合が多いですが、Tさんも毎日娘さんの話を聴いて共感する事を続けています。

最後に

お子さんの好きなことや興味のあることを応援してあげることも、居場所づくりには有効です。ゆーくろっくの代表の土井も、不登校中に囲碁に興味を持って囲碁教室に通うようになってから、居場所を見つけて自分への自信を取り戻し、不登校を乗り越えていきました。

また、大学生の家庭教師を利用し、家庭教師との交流を通じて高校や大学にはどのような世界が待っているかを知ることも、不良との付き合いから心が離れていくようにするために有効です。

あなたのお子さまが、本当に安心して過ごせる場所が見つかることを願っています。

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