子どもが不登校になると、ほかの兄弟への影響と対応も親としては気になるところでしょう。
「どうしたら悪い影響が出ずにすむのか。」
「兄弟の不登校をどう説明すればよいのか」
「どうしたらみんなが明るい家庭でいられるのか。」
兄弟への接し方や不登校の説明の仕方について、どの親御さまも悩まれています。そこで今日は、子どもが不登校の時の兄弟への影響と対応を、ゆーくろっくの支援経験をもとに紹介していきます。
不登校生と兄弟との関係・影響
「兄弟の一人が不登校になると他の子たちとの兄弟関係はどうなるのか、どんな影響がでるのか」 －これは、もともとその兄弟の関係性によって大きく変わります。ゆーくろっくで支援している子どもたちを見ていると、兄弟仲が良い場合は、不登校になった方は兄弟の存在に助けられる場合が多く、なっていない方も兄弟の不登校を見て人の痛みがわかるようになります。逆に、仲があまり良くない場合は、悪い影響が出て親御さんも対応に苦労します。
ゆーくろっくの利用者で兄弟を持つ子どもたちの声を紹介します。
不登校で兄弟仲が良い場合の関係性と影響
- 兄はいつも僕の方を見ずに適当に話を聞く。でも、その分親みたいに否定はしないし、適当に聞いてくれるくらいが自分としては気軽に話しやすくて、ありがたかった。
- 学校のことを妹を通じて聞いていたので、学校生活にどう戻るかが考えやすくてよかった。
- 弟も同じ時期に不登校になっていた。親はかなり参っていたけど、家に遊び相手がいるのであまり考え込まずにすんだ。
不登校で兄弟仲が悪い場合の関係性と対応
- 私が不登校の時に、同じ中学の妹は、私の友だちに「お姉ちゃん元気？」と言われるのを嫌がり、仲が悪くなっていった。
- 元々仲良くなかった兄が不登校になり、一緒にいる時間が長くなってしまった上に、僕に攻撃してストレス解消するようになって習い事も勉強もやる気がなくなった。
- 自分をいじめていた子が妹に矛先をむけるようになり、「お姉ちゃんが学校にいかないからだ」と言われた。
- 学校好きの弟は、私の不登校が受け入れがたかったようで、口もきかなくなった。ただ、今も仲良くはないけど、その時期によい距離感をお互いにつかんだ。
子どもが不登校になった時の兄弟への対応
一人が不登校でも兄弟の前では同じように接しよう
子どもが不登校になると、色々と気を遣ったり、改善されるように働きかけるのは、親として当然のお気持ちです。
でも、他の兄弟がいるの前では、全員を対等に扱わなければなりません。特に兄弟仲が悪い場合は、一人の不登校をきっかけに様々な問題が起きてしまうことがあるので、なおさらです。
子どもというのは、兄弟の中で何番目に大事にされているのかを、とても気にします。そういった部分に、子どもはとても敏感なのです。
長男が学校へ行かなくなって親が特別扱いするようになると、妹も特別扱いされたい一心で学校を休もうとする。ゆーくろっくの利用者の中にはそんな例も実際にあります。妹さんが、「自分は大事にされていないのではないか」という不安を抱いてしまったのです。
ですから、兄弟の前では全員を対等に扱ってください。
子どもが不登校になったら、それぞれの子どもと二人きりの時は思いっきり特別扱いしよう
人はどうしても矛盾を抱える生き物です。
人は平等に扱われたいと思うと同時に、自分だけは特別扱いされたいものなのです。
よって、親は兄弟の一人ひとりと二人っきりの時間をつくり、その時だけは特別扱いするといいのです。2人だけの秘密を持つことや、普段は言えない2人っきりだからこそ言える言葉をかけるのも有効です。
「○○と２人で話していると、お母さん、気持ちが落ち着くよ。」
「○○が毎日お風呂洗ってくれるから、お母さんすごく助かってる。」
そして、お子さんの話をとことん聴いてください。お子さんには、お母さんに話したくても兄弟や旦那さんがいることで話せていないことがあるはずです。こういった対応の中で生まれるコミュニケーションには、お子さんだけでなく親自身も癒されるはずです。
最後に
子どもが不登校になった時、ほかの兄弟にどう説明するかは誰でも悩むものです。
幼い下の子に、上の子の不登校を説明する時は特に難しさを感じるでしょう。
そういう時は特に説明する必要はありません。
「学校を休んでいるとサボっているように見えちゃうかもしれないけど、今○○は一生懸命頑張っているから、応援しようね」とだけ言えば十分です。
子どもは親の不安には敏感です。
「大丈夫。心配いらないよ。」と兄弟を安心させてあげることも忘れないでください。
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