「こだわりが強い」 －不登校の子どもの精神的な特徴としてよく挙げられることの一つです。
不登校の子どもはこだわりが強いから時間がかかる、長引くことが多い、と言われています。
ただ、一言にこだわりといっても二種類のこだわりがあると私は思います。
不登校の子どもを支えるためには、それぞれのこだわりの性質を理解して対応することが大切です。
不登校生が持つ二つの”こだわり”
こだわり① マイナスの経験を引きずる
これは、自分の中から生まれているこだわりです。
家ではこのコップしか使わないとか、特定のブランドのアパレルしか着ない、などというものです。
そして、不登校生に多いのは”マイナスの経験”にこだわり続けることです。
授業やテストでの失敗、先生からの叱責、容姿をバカにされる、といった過去のできごとや解決不可能な問題をあきらめることができず、引きずり続けてしまうのです。
こだわり② 世間の常識にとらわれる
これは、”普通”という社会から押しつけられたこだわりです。
子どもは学校に通うのが当然、中学を卒業したら普通高校に入るもの、などというものです。
世間の常識へのこだわりが強くなると、内申点の関係で普通高校に進学するのが無理なのに通信制高校やフリースクールを拒否するというように、「普通の人生」、「みんなと同じプロセス」に執着します。
もちろん、こういった二つのこだわりは誰でも持っているのですが、ひとたび学校に行けなくなると、両方強くなって本人と親御さんを苦しめるようになってしまうのです。
どうして不登校生は”こだわり”を捨てられないのか
「引きずっている失敗を忘れることができない」
「学校に行くのが普通なのにそうできない」
このような気持ちを両方持っていては、家にいても苦しむばかりで、元気を取り戻すことはできないでしょう。
では、なぜこだわりを捨てることができないのでしょうか。
誰でも、「自分はこういう人間のはずだ」、「自分はこういう人生を送りたい」、「人はこうあるべきだ」という価値観を持っています。
たとえ、それが今の自分には無理なものでも、それを諦めることは、自分自身や自分のこれまでの人生を否定するようなものなので、諦められないのです。
不登校生は”こだわり”をどうしたら捨てられるのか
①マイナスの経験を引きずる気持ちを捨てるためには
「そんなこと気にするな（親）」「そんな簡単に言わないで（子）」
「もう終わったことじゃないか（親）」「なんで分かってくれないの（子）」
個人的なこだわりを無理に捨てさせようとすると、このような言い争いが起こるのがほとんどです。
むしろ、本人が引っかかっていることを否定せず、こだわりを軽くしたり、そのこだわり以外のことに関心を移したりすることで、こだわりが気にならなくなる環境をつくってあげるとよいでしょう。
具体的には、親の自分も同じような失敗をして似たような気持ちになったをすれば、心が軽くなるかもしれません。努力して次から防げることであれば、道具や教材を買ってあげたり、何か良いスクールや塾に行くのもよいでしょう。
容姿をバカにされたことを気にしていたら、バカにされた部分も親の自分は好きだと明るく伝え続けたり、バカにされた部分とは別の容姿についてどんどんほめるのも有効です。
②世間の常識にとらわれなくなるためには
これは、親御さんはついつい、常識にとらわれない選択肢を具体的に提示してあげることだと思いがちです。
例えば、「普通高校ではなく、通信制高校や定時制高校に行くべきだ」という提案はよくある話です。
この考え方の落とし穴は、提案している親にとっては「優しさ」であっても、子供にとっては共感のない「命令」や「押し付け」としか感じられない場合が多いという点です。
私は、世間の常識へのこだわりを捨てるサポートは、「あきらめきれない本人の願望を支持し、願望に沿った行動に協力する意思を示す」しかないと思っています。もちろん、その願いは失敗に終わることがほとんどです。
でも、人間は、すぐに現実や弱い自分を受け入れられるわけではありません。失敗を重ね、時間をかけて、受け入れるものです。
だから、時間はかかりますが、効果的なのは、「本人の希望を応援することと失敗した時に支えること＝無条件の肯定」なのです。
最後に
究極、こだわりという世界に、本人にしか理解できない世界があるのは否めません。（だから”こだわり”なんですよね）
でも、こだわりが気にならなくてすむ環境をつくることや、無条件に肯定することはできるはずです。
わが子の場合は具体的にどうすればいいかわからないという場合は、いつでもゆーくろっくにご相談ください。
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